BASTARDS!
by vuarapuung
Summary: Three boys on their Pokemon journey. WARNING! May contain shameless cameos, jokes that even the author doesn't get and a sexy Scottish Squirtle
1. I, Burnsy

DISCLAIMER: Pokémon belongs to Nintendo

Author Notes: Right, Kozak gave off to me for a bit and told me to write a little something for the Bastard Squad. I had a couple of ideas, so here it is. There are a lot of private jokes, half of which I don't even get, so anyone else reading this might be confused.

_**CHAPTER 1**_

This is a tale about a young boy setting off on his first adventure. On his journey he will make many enemies and relatively few friends, but we're not going to tell him that. The boy's name was Burnsy, and he wanted to be a Pokémon Master.

"My name is Burnsy and I want to be a Pokémon Master," he proclaimed confidently, totally destroying the point of mentioning it in the narrative one line ago.

Anyway, this young boy Burnsy, who was eighteen, was leaving to go off on his first Pokémon adventure. Now, most young boys leave on their Pokémon adventures aged ten, but not dear Burnsy. He wanted to spend more time with the nine year old boys, though he wasn't sure why...

That's not the point. Now, our tale begins with young Burnsy lying awake at night. Now, if his dear mother were to walk in she would ask what he was doing still up, and he would reply that he was, of course, thinking about which Pokémon he would choose as his first for tomorrow. Of course, Burnsy is an eighteen year old boy, so the rest of us all know exactly what he's thinking about.

Did you guess? Yes, that's right. With a banana.

Anyway, morning swiftly came and Burnsy, being the weirdo he is, was up at the crack of dawn to go to work in the supermarket which, for various copyright reasons we shall not go into, shall be called Ocset. Anyway, Burnsy was busy stacking shelves when he realised he was not supposed to be here.

"Damn, I'm not supposed to be here!" Burnsy cried. He was supposed to be getting his first Pokémon from Professor Oak today.

Burnsy sprinted to Professor Oak's lab at once, and was greatly relieved when he found Professor Oak standing there with a Pokéball for him. He'd heard from somewhere that if you showed up late to get your Pokémon then Oak would make you perform weird, sexual favours for him.

"Oh, there's only one Pokémon left," Professor Oak said. "Don't worry, I won't make you go down on me. You're far too old for my taste."

Putting aside that Oak was old enough to be Burnsy's grandfather Burnsy reached for the large ball, cupping it gently in his hand and caressing it softly (aroused yet?).

Then with a toss he threw the Pokéball, which smashed against the wall and shattered into a thousand tiny pieces, leaving a very irate looking Charmander where it had once been.

"Now why would you break the Pokéball?" Oak demanded. "Those things are expensive, and I'm certainly not buying you another one." With that Oak stalked off, mumbling something about punk teenagers with stupid hairstyles.

Anyway, Burnsy was, naturally, distracted by the little Pokémon that he had suddenly become the new master of. Burnsy had spent more time studying Pokémon than perhaps any boy should, so he knew rather a lot about them. He wondered what kind of quirks his Charmander would have...

It just sat there for a moment. Then it started blasting fire at Burnsy.

Burnsy tried to run, but the little bastard kept following him, blowing hot fire that singed bits of Burnsy's ridiculously long hair. So Burnsy kept running. Then before him he saw someone and another Pokémon step out onto the path, and suddenly a blast of water flew past Burnsy and hit Charmander, blasting him into a tree.

Burnsy turned to thank the person only to find it was a boy wearing both a bandana and a cap, a green coat and eye liner.

"I'm Burnsy," Burnsy said. "And that's my Charmander."

"My name is the Charlie," the boy said. "And this is my Squirtle. Isn't he adorable? He has no hair. I named him Dave!" Charlie then proceeded to give the least manly squeal he could muster, before attempting to hug poor Dave who was, naturally, a little concerned about the mental condition of his new master.

Burnsy could see they were going to be the best of friends.

From Charlie he managed to get a spare Pokéball, and used it to recapture nasty Charmander. With their Pokémon safely secure in Pokéballs Burnsy and Charlie were on their merry way. Together Charlie and Burnsy pranced through the meadows, singing merrily their favourite songs which included lines like, "My cock is much bigger than yours," or "BENZENE!" or "Young man... there's no need to feel down..."

Anyway, eventually the dynamic duo reached Viridian City, and decided they'd go to the Pokémon Centre because they could stay there for free if they pretended their Pokémon were hurt. Sadly, with the Labour government in power, they were forced to wait for ages (this is my half-assed attempt at being topical).

Now, Burnsy was very worried about having to sleep on the streets, but Charlie assured him that everything would be fine. After all, they didn't need sleep, did they? They could just drink shitloads of Red Bull and stay up all night.

Burnsy slept in a dumpster. Charlie drank Red Bull and ran around in circles squealing all night.


	2. The Dean Machine

DISCLAIMER: Pokémon belongs to Nintendo

_**CHAPTER 2**_

It took a lot longer than it should have, but eventually the dynamic duo heroically emerged from Viridian Forest. Up ahead loomed the great city known as Pewter City, occasionally known as the City of Stone, because it's about as interesting as stone and everyone lives in buildings made of stone rather than bricks, like it's the middle ages or something...

Anyway, Burnsy was somewhat aggravated at having spent four days lost in a forest with Charlie, who seemed to find Red Bull cans from somewhere (by this stage Burnsy had decided he didn't want to know where they were coming from). So, Burnsy decided to cut the crap and head straight to the Pewter City Gym to try and earn his first Pokémon League badge.

So Burnsy and Charlie stood triumphantly before the large hunk of rock that was supposedly a Gym. Finding a door somewhere, Burnsy and Charlie went into a slightly darkened room. Charlie looked around, as if expecting some eejit to jump out and try to molest him as usually happened when he found himself in darkened rooms.

Burnsy quickly scanned around the room and saw the Gym Leader, a strange guy who could possibly be Asian.

"I'm Asian," Charlie said. He was ignored.

"Hello, I am Dean, the Gym Leader here," the guy said. "And my hair is black, it will never be blonde. Muahahahaha!"

"I challenge you to a Pokémon Battle!" Burnsy shouted.

Dean however was too busy cackling to respond, so he merely nodded through his giggles. He gestured that they would use two Pokémon. Dean managed to calm down pretty quickly once things started. He called out a small little Geodude, while Burnsy used his Charmander.

Charmander proceeded to get his arse handed to him.

It was then that Burnsy noticed, to his intense embarrassment, that he only had one Pokémon. He quickly nicked Charlie's Pokéball and used Squirtle, er... Dave.

Dave then proceeded to kick Geodude's rocky arse, as Dave is a water type and his name is cool. Charlie was so pleased he did a little happy dance.

Then Dean used his second Pokémon, the massive rock-hard snake with a big horny bit on the end... his Onix.

"Come on Dave, you bald git!" Burnsy shouted. "You can do it!"

"Squirtle Squirtle!" Dave replied, the Pokémon equivalent of telling Burnsy where to stuff his big gay head. Onix then proceeded to rampage all over poor Squirtle.

Now, Charlie was not pleased at the sight of the giant snake beating itself against Dave, so he decided to do something about it. In his own sick, twisted head he formed a cunning plan...

"DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD-"

So he began, and so he continued...

"DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD-"

Surely you can see where he's going with this?

"DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD-"

Alright, wrap it up already, it wasn't even funny when he started doing it.

"DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDEAN!!!!!!!"

"What?" Dean demanded.

"Hi!"

Charlie's distraction was so good he thought he'd do it again... and again... and again. Eventually Dean snapped.

"Alright, just take the badge!" he screamed, throwing it at Burnsy. Burnsy was most relieved, as was poor Dave, who had taken quite a beating and lost a surprising amount of blood for such a small creature.

"Great, now you're going to come on our journey with us," Charlie said.

"WHAT?" Dean snapped. "Why would I do that?"

"Because that's what happened in the cartoon. The Asian guy joined the group after the gay one beat him in a Pokémon battle," Charlie said.

"That's bullshit, I'm not going anywhere with you," Dean snapped.

Charlie and Burnsy left the Gym feeling somewhat down, but ready to crack on with their adventure. After all, who knew what friends they were likely to meet tomorrow...

In the meantime they needed to take the horribly wounded Charmander and... Dave to the Pokémon centre to make sure they'd be okay. Needless to say, Charlie was somewhat concerned for his little friend.

He proceeded to run up and down the Pokémon Centre squealing until his demands were met. His demands were as follows:

1) Poor Dave would be treated immediately

2) Red Bull

3) One of those kinky nurse's outfits in his size

His demands were eventually met, and Dave was back up eating ridiculous amounts of food again in no time.

"The little bastard can eat," Burnsy said in awe.

"Squirt Squirtle Squirt Squirt," Dave said, the Squirtle equivalent of calling Burnsy's sexuality into question.


	3. Kozak likes Mareep

DISCLAIMER: Pokémon belongs to Nintendo

_**CHAPTER 3**_

Mt Moon seemed to be drawing closer, probably because they were walking towards it. The fastest way to Cerulean City was, of course, through a tunnel in the mountain. And to Burnsy speed was, of course, everything. He liked to get in and out as quickly as possible.

Anyway, Charlie and Burnsy were walking through the forest towards the mountains when, for reasons that are not clear now and likely never will be, they spotted a boy a few years younger than them shouting something at a tree.

"WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE?"

For some reason Dave winced inside his Pokéball.

The strange boy shouting odd things at a tree spun around, which allowed Charlie and Burnsy to get a good look at him. He was wearing a pink shirt.

"Why do you close your eyes when we make love?" he asked Charlie, who suddenly looked fairly uncomfortable.

"I am Burnsy," Burnsy said slowly, as if talking to a retard. Which, for all intents and purposes, he was.

"I am Kozak," the strange boy said.

"Kozak, isn't that like a Polish name?" Charlie asked, not even bothering to introduce himself.

"German," Kozak said.

"Did you just call my mum fat?" Charlie demanded.

Now Kozak wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but by now even he had realised that the best way to deal with Charlie was to pretend you didn't hear him. Instead he turned to Burnsy, who he had mistaken for a girl the first time he'd saw them, though he'd never admit that.

"So, what Pokémon have you got?" Burnsy asked, stating the most popular question prepubescent boys ask each other.

"I have a Mareep," Kozak said proudly.

"A what?"

"You know, it's one of those crappy Pokémon they added in the Gold and Silver games; the ones that weren't as good as the original. Mareep was the sheep one."

Kozak tossed his Pokéball to reveal a little yellow and blue sheep.

"You aren't by chance part Welsh as well, are you?" Charlie asked. Kozak looked furious.

"Yes," he mumbled, suddenly very interested in his own feet.

And so Kozak became the third member of the party, because three is, naturally, the perfect number for a travelling party. Think about it. Harry, Hermione and Ron were a party of three. There's no real reason why I chose that example. Honest, it has nothing to do with Burnsy looking like Harry...

Anyway, the group approached Mt Moon fairly quickly. Then they spotted a load of pink things dancing around outside it, the small creatures known as Clefairy. Charlie found himself naturally drawn to anything small and pink, so naturally he gave his least manly squeal and began chasing the Clefairy around in circles clapping his hands together.

In Charlie's mind he had already decided that he must capture one of these darling creatures. However he hadn't quite thought it through, and his strategy of trying to hug one of them was not working. So he called Dave out of his Pokéball.

The Squirtle took one look at the Clefairy and then another look as his master making an arse of himself and decided he was having none of this, and went off to find something to eat.

As night began to fall and Charlie was still running around in circles with a surprising amount of energy from someone who hadn't slept since his journey had began. Every now and then he would stop, pull another Red Bull from his bag, drink it then go back to what he was doing. Every now and again he would also try changing his strategy and try something different. Now he was trying flinging Pokéballs around like a maniac. He had so far managed to capture four Pidgeys, a Rattata and Zapdos, but hadn't even noticed as he still hadn't managed to capture one of his beloved Clefairys.

Eventually Burnsy and Kozak got fed up and dragged him into the cave, kicking and screaming the whole way. Dave followed a few feet behind.

"Squirt? Squirtle Squirtle Squirt Squirt," he said, the Squirtle equivalent of telling the Clefairy he didn't know Charlie.


	4. Beattylicious

DISCLAIMER: Pokémon belongs to Nintendo

_**CHAPTER 4**_

Charlie moaned the whole way through Mt Moon, which was why Kozak and Burnsy were very glad to get out the other side. Once there they were in sight of Cerulean City, and Burnsy's eyes were immediately drawn to the Gym. There were these little children playing in front...

Burnsy tried to shake out of his head the thoughts that three years of therapy had never been quite able to get rid of. He walked towards the Gym confidently, conveniently ignoring the fact that the only Pokémon he had were his Charmander and a Magikarp some very nice man had sold him in Mt Moon, neither of which would be of much use in Cerulean's water Gym. Even Magikarp, which looked like a fish but was really just a big, red shit.

Burnsy burst into the Gym and his confidence was suddenly blown to bits when he realised that the Gym was full of girls in skimpy swimsuits. Charlie and Kozak thought they'd died and gone to heaven, but to Burnsy the sight was terrifying...

"I'm here to challenge the Gym Leader!" Burnsy shouted, realising that the time honoured way of picturing them in their underwear to get rid of nerves wasn't going to work as they were already in their underwear.

"That would be me!"

A young boy emerged from a door to the right. He had a big afro and all he was wearing was a very small Speedo. Somewhere off to the right a boy named Matty died of happiness.

"Did you call my mum fat?" Charlie demanded.

"I am Beatty," the boy said, causing every one of the scantily clad women in the room to suddenly orgasm. They made quite a bit of noise whilst doing it, and even Beatty seemed rather scared.

"We will each use three Pokémon," Beatty said. Burnsy hastily agreed. After all, he had the mighty water type known as Magikarp.

Just as Pewter City Gym's battle field had been a pile of stones, Cerulean City's Gym had a swimming pool for such a purpose. Burnsy and Beatty stood at either side. Burnsy called out his Magikarp. Beatty used a Starmie. If Magikarp had an arse then Starmie would have been considered to be pounding it.

Burnsy was somewhat shocked that his master plan had failed. So he called out Charmander, which took one look at the water and then looked at Burnsy as if he was mad. Charmander, being a fire type, had the desire to get as far away from the water as possible. So it ran towards one of the scantily clad women and buried itself in her chest.

Charmander was considered to have forfeited after that (although in the minds of many being buried in the chest of a scantily clad woman can never be called the coward's way out). Burnsy found himself, once again, out of Pokémon. So this time he filched Kozak's faithful Pokémon, the electric sheep, Mareep.

Burnsy wasn't sure exactly what Kozak had done with his Mareep, but he sure as hell hadn't trained it. It didn't even know any electric attacks, so if just floated there in the middle of the pool while Burnsy shouted abuse at it. Beatty seemed rather amused at the other side of the pool. In frustration Burnsy grabbed poor Mareep by the tail and proceeded to swing it around his head, before launching the poor creature at Beatty's Starmie. By some freak of chance it worked, and Starmie was knocked flying.

No one seemed more surprised than Mareep.

Beatty called out his next Pokémon, the very useless Goldeen. Burnsy was promptly defeated.

Now, Burnsy was most upset by this new development, and so he proceeded to shout abuse at Charlie, who was, at least in his opinion, clearly the one to blame for his loss.

"Actually, there is another way to win the badge," Beatty said. Everyone's heads snapped up, and somehow a microphone seemed to have appeared in Beatty's hand.

"Karaoke contest!" the girls all shouting, then started giggling like, well, girls.

Beatty and Burnsy were ready, and Beatty then proceeded to give one of the most horrifying renditions of _Don't Cha_ by the Pussycat Dolls that you will hear, though it was only interrupted once towards the end when every girl in the room simultaneously experienced thirty-seven consecutive orgasms.

Burnsy knew that would be tough to beat, so he had to choose one of the greatest songs ever in the world. One he had been known to sing many a Saturday night, only in that case it was in a very special variety of club...

"Young man

There's no need to feel down

I said young man

Get yourself off the ground..."

Those may or may not be the lyrics, but Burnsy sang them anyway, complete with pelvic thrusts and Charlie dressed as a cowboy, for whatever reason.

None of the girls orgasmed this time, but Beatty had a strange fluid leaking from his Speedos and he was doing a fair bit of crying.

"That was the best song I've ever heard," Beatty said once he had changed his Speedos. "Here, you have earned this badge." He gave Burnsy the badge, and they were all so distracted they did not notice that another young boy had arrived and grabbed the microphone, and proceeded to perform his own special version of _I Touch Myself._

"I don't want to be with anybody else.

When I think about you

I

Touch

MYSELF!"

Beatty started crying again pretty soon. He was going through a lot of pairs of Speedos that day.


	5. A Sex Scene

DISCLAIMER: Pokémon is the property of Nintendo

_**CHAPTER 5**_

They were walking through the forest... again. Very quickly this had become dull, so much so that they'd just about had it with forests. So, just for a laugh, they decided to take the bus.

And Burnsy was sick... everywhere.

So the bus driver threw them off the bus and they wound up in the forest again, so in reality the only thing they'd done was waste a few lines while someone stalls for time to try and come up for an excuse for writing this instalment.

"Look guys, it's the third Reich," Charlie said. He was ignored, as he was pointing at a tree. Even Dave wasn't listening to him these days.

Right, so the point is: the group was bored. The novelty of going off on their own Pokémon journeys had worn off quite a long time ago. Plus, they were growing bored with their Pokémon, especially Burnsy, who was stuck with crappy Magikarp and a Charmander that didn't really do much.

How wrong he was...

Anyway, Burnsy caught sight of something moving in the trees. With a shock he realised it was Pikachu, widely regarded as the perfect companion for an eight year old girl. Burnsy had always wanted to be an eight year old girl, hence growing his hair long and running around town chasing after young boys.

Charlie had always wanted to be a buttercup, but that's a different story.

Anyway, Burnsy quickly surmised that his best chance at capturing the Pikachu came with Charmander, so he naturally called out his little red friend. Suddenly Pikachu perked up and looked at Charmander...

And there was love... at least on one side.

Burnsy had never seen his Charmander attack something with such ferocity as he did the Pikachu. Before the poor Pikachu knew what was coming it was pinned down on its front, and Charmander had mounted it from behind and was...

"That is so hot," Kozak said.

Charmander seemed to take an abnormally long time to do what he was doing, at least that's what Burnsy thought. Charlie was cheering and Kozak had disappeared behind a tree with his Mareep for five minutes, but still Charmander ploughed on like a champion.

"CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR!" came Charmander's final cry as it fell forward and landed on Pikachu, who seemed somewhat amused by the whole scenario. Burnsy watching as the Pikachu cuddled Charmander a little confused as to how exactly he should respond to the situation. So he flung a Pokéball at them.

Charmander noticed pretty quickly that Pikachu was gone, though didn't seem all that concerned about it. Instead he went straight for Charlie's leg. Charlie squealed with delight as Charmander continued going.

After about two hours Charmander had expressed its physical love for Charlie's leg, Kozak's Mareep and a tree, before sitting down and amusing itself twice. Burnsy was somewhat concerned by this new development, and so used his mobile phone to contact the knowledgeable Professor Oak.

_"Oh yes, suck it harder, Tracey. What? Burnsy? What are you doing phoning me? Yes, that does seem a problem. Well, it seems perhaps your Charmander has reached sexual maturity. __Don't worry, perfectly natural. He'll just be a bit hyper for a few days until he learns to control it better. Just try not to get him too excited. What was I doing before you phoned? Er... what's that? I'm going through a tunnel..."_

Burnsy heard a loud groan as Oak hung up. Burnsy called Charmander back to his Pokéball, somewhat concerned about this. Burnsy remembered when he'd gone through puberty (it was only last Thursday after all). It had been hell.

Burnsy rubbed his hairless chin mournfully as he pondered such things. Eventually the party decided they'd best carry on, as they couldn't just stand there all day.

It was a busy day for the group. Half an hour down the road they ran into one of those useless trainers who only shows up for one episode. We'll call him... Amelio.

Anyway, Burnsy was somewhat drawn to Amelio, so he challenged him to a Pokémon battle. And lo and behold! Burnsy did emerge victorious due to the power of his brand new Pikachu. He then proceeded to do the Burnsy finger dance for a bit, which involved waving his finger around a bit while he ran around in circles.

Charlie thought it looked fun, so he quickly followed, running around after Burnsy clapping his hands and squealing.


	6. Inside the Mind of an Idiot

DISCLAIMER: Nintendo has Pokémon

_**CHAPTER 6**_

Now, anyone with half an ounce of mathematical ability could tell you that Charlie has not slept in three weeks: the time since his journey began, in fact. During this time the only thing keeping him alive had been Red Bull, but there was only so much even fifty cans of Red Bull a day can do.

The world was starting to seem strange to Charlie. Actually, the world had been pretty strange to Charlie to begin with. A better definition would be to say that the world was starting to look a lot more like what he would consider normal...

For example. A lot more things were pink, which is, of course, a very pretty colour that Charlie believed should be used on trees far more often. His friend Josef was back, occasionally whispering words of advice concerning Charlie's grand plan for world domination, which wasn't exactly going so well so far seeing as Charlie was not the leader of the reunited Soviet Russia by age eighteen, something the entire plan had been sort of counting on. Josef blamed in on Charlie's fondness for sleep, and kept telling him that he didn't need any sleep anymore. Not now he had Josef...

Of course, to Burnsy and Kozak the fact that Charlie was conversing with empty air was of no concern. Kozak had the volume cranked up on his iPod, and Burnsy had the volume cranked up on his Sony Walkman Bean (it's an mp3 player shaped like a bean. It sucks).

So the only one left to help Charlie was poor Dave, who was not aided by the fact that Charlie could not understand a word of what he said. And, to be honest, Dave wasn't so sure about half of what Charlie was saying.

"I'm Asian," Charlie was saying. Josef was somewhat angry that Charlie kept saying this. Charlie couldn't imagine why.

Anyway, Dave proceeded to make Charlie see sense by the only way he knew how. He beat it into him.

Burnsy and Kozak didn't even notice as Dave pounded on his master.

Nor did they notice when Dave was forced to drag an unconscious Charlie after them.

They did, however, notice it when Dave began throwing water gun attacks at them. Burnsy spun around in rage that his hair had been messed up (even more so than usual). Kozak spun around in rage that his iPod had suffered permanent water damage and now he couldn't listen to the glorious Welsh national anthem over and over again.

"Aren't you Polish?" Charlie mumbled in his sleep.

And so Charlie slept for three days, and Dave forced Kozak and Burnsy to take turns in dragging him. Burnsy tried to be lazy once and get his Pokémon to do it, but Magikarp just flopped there, Pikachu poked at Charlie for a bit and Charmander started humping Charlie's unconscious face. Pikachu looked a little upset, but got over it when Charmander turned his attentions onto her.

Burnsy guessed that the Pikachu was a "her." The possibility that it wasn't intrigued him, but the evidence was over-whelming.

So Burnsy learnt just to carry Charlie himself. After three days Charlie returned to the land of the living.

"Why does it feel like someone stuffed something big up my nose?" Charlie asked.

Then he drank shitloads of Red Bull and vowed never to sleep again.

"Squirtle-squirter," Dave said, the Squirtle equivalent of something unpleasant.

PokéRAP

_You ready for the _PokéRAP?

_There's Kozak_

_Who likes __sheep_

_And Charlie_

_Who goes "__eeeekkk__"_

_Mighty Burnsy_

_Who chases the __boys_

_And little Dave_

_Who has no __hair_

Author Notes: Chapter just seemed short, so I stuck it in there.


	7. Like Ninja

DISCLAIMER: Pokémon belongs to Nintendo

_**CHAPTER 7**_

Burnsy continued on his Pokémon journey and soon noticed that the two eejits were still following him around, for some reason.

So, Burnsy was off winning badges like it was nobody's business. First they went to Vermillion, where his Charmander fought Raichu.

"Er, go! Hump attack!" Burnsy shouted, trying to look as though he was on top of things while a distraught former Vietnam Soldier wept while his beloved Pokémon was violated.

Burnsy then went to the Celadon Gym, but Charlie was distracted by all the pretty stores and took them all lingerie shopping. Kozak got some with a Mareep on the front, in the general area that his penis would be, assuming of course that he has one.

I'm only kidding, of course he has one. Flashing people would be pretty pointless if he didn't.

Anyway, Charmander was once again instrumental in his win at the grass type gym in Celadon, and again in Saffron City against the Psychic types.

"Let's just say, Abra didn't see _that_ one cumming," Charlie said, deliberately spelling the last word that way.

Anyway, then the group moved on to Fuchsia, where Burnsy would face the Gym Leader. He didn't know much about the Gym Leader there, but he found out fairly quickly.

"I AM NINJA!" came the roar, and suddenly Burnsy found that another man had him by the balls. He also found that he was not opposed to the situation.

The ninja's eyebrow was suddenly raised.

"Is that a Pokédex in your pants or are you just pleased to see me?" the ninja asked.

"I'm pleased to see you!" Charlie squealed with delight, indicating the mess he'd made of the front of his trousers. Inside his Pokéball, Dave slapped a small hand to his forehead.

"Excellent," the ninja said, moving his hand. "I am Koga, ninja master of the Fuchsia City Gym."

"Did you call my mum fat?"

"Shut up Charlie," Burnsy snapped. "I am here to challenge you to a battle!"

"Hang on, there's no member of the Bastard Squad called Koga," Kozak said. "If I didn't know better, I'd just say someone was getting lazy and couldn't be bothered naming any more Gym Leaders."

He was largely ignored as Burnsy prepared for his epic battle against Koga. He wondered what kind of awesome, ninja Pokémon he would have. Perhaps a mighty Hitmonlee, the ultimate kicking Pokémon. Or Machamp, with its four arms...

He never thought about a pussy little Venomoth.

Burnsy's sexual charged Charmander seemed to agree, because it was trying desperately to get its groove on with Venomoth. It was hindered slightly by the fact that Venomoth could fly, but it didn't stop him for long.

"Intriguing," Koga said. "I've never seen a Pokémon which such energy." By now Charmander was proceeding to _do his thing_ hanging off the Venomoth in mid-air.

"I'm so proud," Burnsy muttered sarcastically.

"Well, it seems I have been shamed," Koga said as his Venomoth started crying, which was probably a result of having just been raped whilst flying around in circles. Koga handed over to Burnsy his sixth Gym badge.

"So where to now?" Kozak asked.

"I'm Asian," Charlie said to Koga, the closest thing to a pick-up line he knew.

"We sail across the sea to Cinnabar Island!" Burnsy proclaimed grandly.

"How are we going to do that?" Kozak asked.

"We will barter passage with a local captain," Burnsy said.

Within a few hours they were sitting in a bar with a captain who is _so not_ a rip-off of a character from one of the greatest films of all time.

"How fast is the ship?" Burnsy asked.

"Ship?" the captain, who had requested to be called Captain John (nothing suspicious there), said. "I have a ship." He turned to his first mate, a rather hairy fellow who smelt strongly of rum and perhaps should have laid off the pies for a moment.

"Aye, Captain," the man said. "We be having a ship, to be sure."

"Ah yes, the Black, erm... Diamond," Captain John said. "It's the fastest ship in the water, matey."

"It goes on a sail," Kozak pointed out. "How fast could it be? Burnsy, this is stupid, why can't we just take the ferry?"

"You can be my new cabin boy," Captain John said. For some reason the first mate was staring at Kozak like he was a big meat pie.

"I am so aroused right now," Charlie said.


	8. Sexy Scottish Squirtle

DISCLAIMER: Pokémon belongs to Nintendo

_**CHAPTER 8**_

In the end they took the ferry to Cinnabar Island, where Burnsy meet the Gym Leader who was a fan of abstract riddles.

"What is gay and looks like Harry Potter?" he asked.

"Burnsy," Charlie and Kozak answered as one. Burnsy was fairly upset by such comments being made concerning his ambiguous sexuality, so he proceeded to tell the Gym Leader where to stick his big, bald head.

Burnsy was fairly confident he had the battle in the bag. After all, he had the sexually charged Charmander. However, Charmander seemed fairly uninterested by Pokémon of the same type, and was far more drawn to the Gym Leader's shiny head.

Burnsy got the badge in exchange for returning his Charmander. He was fast becoming aware that if his Charmander started calming down he'd have no way to win the Pokémon League, so he set out to find several more Pokémon to help bolster his party which currently consisted of the aforementioned Charmander, a Pikachu who was perhaps harbouring a bit of a crush for the sexually charged fire type and a Magikarp would actually could do nothing.

So the group was on the beach, and Burnsy had nicked a fishing pole off a couple of small children (in fairness he had originally intended to molest them, so it was probably a good thing he stole the pole instead). Charlie was doing things "The Charlie Way" and had taken his shirt off and was attempting to catch Pokémon with his teeth. Kozak had buggered off somewhere with Mareep.

Now, poor unsuspecting Dave the Squirtle was lying in the sand, ignoring the world around him (especially the part of the world that was in the general vicinity of his master) when suddenly something wandered across his view. It was a Squirtle. The most beautiful Squirtle poor Dave had ever seen.

Now he had something to concentrate on, and he watched as the female Squirtle danced and frolicked with her friends. Poor Dave couldn't take his eyes off her, and didn't even noticed when his master Charlie got bit in the nads by a Shellder and was now screaming at the top of his lungs.

He did however notice it when said Shellder was thrown at his head. He was not pleased. He turned around and muttered something unpleasant under his breath before turning around to-

"Squirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtle!" The female Squirtle was standing right behind him, and apparently had a Scottish accent, something which is quite hard to do considering that most Pokémon can only say their own name.

"Squirt squirtle squirt," Dave said, rubbing his head where the Shellder had hit him

Now, most Pokémon would probably be going at it by now, and most humans would be using a poor pick-up line. Dave had spent most of the last few months with Charlie, Kozak and Burnsy, who fell into neither category. So he made the most half-baked attempt at conversation ever.

And every second the conversation went on the more he knew it was love.

Squirtle's are easier to satisfy than humans. That was why after half an hour of conversation they disappeared from the beach for two hours. They came back, Dave with a cheesy grin on his face and the Scottish Squirtle with wobbling legs, barely able to stand.

None of the rest of the party had noticed this, and Charlie was trying to persuade a pretty girl that his balls needed kissing in order to make them feel better. The girl was somewhat intoxicated, despite it being the middle of the day, and was actually hearing Charlie's argument out.

Burnsy, meanwhile, had caught a load of piss-poor Pokémon but at least they were better than his Magikarp. Burnsy took the Pokéball and booted it into the sea...

And, typically, a Gyarados popped out.

Yes, Magikarp had evolved into the Gyarados. And yes, now the Gyarados was pissed off by Burnsy's rejection (I can't imagine why. Many would be glad to get away from him) and had resolved to eat him. And, naturally, Burnsy, Charlie and Kozak were left running for their lives, stopping only to grab Dave and drag him kicking and screaming away from the sexy Scottish Squirtle.

Poor Dave. Both hair and true love had eluded him. Well, at least he still had Charlie...


	9. The Craptastic Four

DISCLAIMER: Pokémon is the property of Nintendo.

_**CHAPTER 9**_

Fresh from their recent attempts at romance, capturing Pokémon and, in one case, bestiality, the party returned to Viridian City with the intention of having Burnsy win his eighth badge. Of course, his Pokémon were still shit, but he might pull through...

Thirty-eight attempts later.

"I won my last badge!" Burnsy exclaimed proudly. In order to get it he'd broken every rule he could think of, offered Charlie's "services" to everyone he could find, played Super Mario Galaxy for three days straight (this hadn't really helped) and began openly encouraging his Charmander's attempts to hump the Gym Leader's Rhydon into submission.

He wasn't sure how he got there, but here he was at the Pokémon League, ready to take on the Elite Four. The four most powerful trainers in all the land. So Burnsy rather arrogantly strode into Victory Road, fearing nothing.

He got lost. In a dark cave with two idiots and a lovesick Squirtle.

They'd started a fire in the small cave and sat around roasting marshmallows, except for Charlie who was roasting a Red Bull can, completely ignoring what an obviously stupid idea that was.

"So, do you ever wonder what we'll do after I've won the Pokémon League?" Burnsy asked, refusing to acknowledge that there was any other possible outcome.

"I reckon, seeing as I'm clearly the most well developed character, I'll get my own spin-off show," Kozak said. "And there will be no sheep Pokémon in it."

"I'm going to drink some Red Bull," Charlie said. "And Burnsy's off to star in the next Harry Potter film."

Burnsy ignored him. He could ignore Charlie no longer when the Red Bull can exploded, blowing a chunk of metal into Charlie's eye. Charlie, naturally, didn't exactly take this like a man. He began running around in circles screaming, before running headlong into a wall and knocking himself out unconscious. This did, however, attract the attention of a conveniently passing super hiker/doctor.

"He'll have to wear an eye-patch when he wakes up," the doctor explained.

"Do you have a pink one?" Burnsy asked.

"Yes."

"Then he won't mind."

"I'd like one with a sheep on it," Kozak said.

After that half-assed attempt at providing character depth, the group made it to the Pokémon League. Burnsy quickly healed his Pokémon, then entered the first room...

Now, when asked about the battle that ensued, Burnsy will maintain that he was always on top of things, but in truth his opponent, Rupert Grint (who couldn't help but think that Burnsy looked familiar) was perhaps (I can't believe I'm actually going to use this word) pwning Burnsy right up until the stage when someone distracted him with a balloon.

So Burnsy advanced to the next stage, where he met Jet Li. It was amazing how Burnsy had only won most of his badges because of his Charmander humping things, but this time it was a one-eyed Charlie humping Jet Li's leg that he emerged victorious.

Stage three, Agatha Christie. Thankfully she was dead, so she didn't put up much of a fight.

And then came stage four, when Burnsy actually had to use a Pokémon again as he was fighting the dragon master, Sean Connery.

"Beat it like you did that dragon in Goblet of Fire!" Charlie shouted.

"WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE?" Kozak hollered.

The battle was epic, with Connery delivering every line perfectly in _that_ accent. You know, the one he uses no matter what he's playing. Whether he's supposed to be English, Spanish or Japanese. Anyway, Burnsy decided his best option was to try for another distraction.

"Look, it's Ozzy Osbourne," Burnsy shouted, pointing at someone who had just materialised behind Connery.

"What makes you think I have any fucking idea how I got here?" Ozzy asked.

The distraction was all Burnsy needed to seal his victory, but Connery was gracious in defeat.

"Punch the baschtard for God's schake!" Connery shouted. "Oh, it doeschn't matter. You schtill have to beat the champion."

"Champion?" Burnsy asked, momentarily pausing in his Burnsy finger dance. Connery said something no one understand (but it was schtill schexy) and pointed to a door. Burnsy went through it, and suddenly gazed upon the face of evil...


	10. The End

DISCLAIMER: Pokémon belongs to Nintendo

_**CHAPTER 10**_

He had been brought into the world many years ago. His mother had screamed at the sight of him.

"KILL IT! KILL IT!" she'd screamed again and again, but the doctor's had put it down to stress. They were scientists, they didn't believe that someone could be inherently evil.

Then the little boy had started to grow up. And, by using his evil powers, had managed to become the Champion of the Pokémon League.

They called him Buckley.

The moment Burnsy entered the room he was suddenly filled with thoughts of molesting young boys. He tried to shake it off, but eventually just gave up and did what he did best...

He won a battle because of someone humping something.

He was vaguely aware that Connery was doing a fair bit of laughing and Buckley was doing a fair bit of screaming. Charlie was squealing about how cute it was, and Kozak was being rather violently sick. But Burnsy blocked them all out, and emerged victorious over Buckley... or at least he beat Buckley's ass.

Literally.

So Burnsy had won the Pokémon League. He considered his options for the future. He could continue on his journey, travelling to other regions like Johto and Sinnoh, and win the Pokémon League's there. Or he could go to a gay bar and get pissed.

As he woke up the next morning beside a man, he knew he'd made the right choice...

_WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?_

For some unfathomable reason, Buckley did not press charges for rape. Burnsy went back to Oscet, where he stacks shelves.

Charlie became the subject of a scientific experiment, due to the fact that Red Bull has allowed him to continue without sleep for the last two years.

Kozak abandoned his Welsh roots and stopped shagging Mareep, instead favouring his Polish roots and started playing Super Mario Galaxy, which is about a plumber.

Dean carried on with his Gym, though every now and then someone comes along and shouts his name at the top of their lungs before running off and giggling like a little girl.

Beatty closed the Gym in favour of his singing career. Matty briefly came to life during one of his concerts while Beatty sang the tune to the Full Monty, before acting out his favourite bit of the film... where they take their clothes off.

Some guy named Andy bitched and moaned for a while about only appearing in the story once, and that was just to sing I Touch Myself.

Dave returned to the beach, only to find a rather cross looking Sexy Scottish Squirtle holding a baby Squirtle.

Suzanne...Jay and Silent Bob... that's another story entirely.


End file.
